Originally published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
I want to tell you about an incredible investment opportunity. You’ve already seen industries like music, movies, and newspapers massively disrupted by revolutionary and visionary new technologies. I’m excited to say that we’ve found the next big industry to disrupt. The same way that Uber disrupted and revolutionized the way you hail a cab, we’re going to disrupt and revolutionize the way you get organ transplants.
Compared to the convenience of modern technologies and services, the organ transplantation industry is stuck in the past. Why should you have to wait for months on a list, waste your time in a big hospital, and deal with all the red tape of modern medicine? We live in an age where you can share photos with friends around the world instantly with a tap of your smartphone. Shouldn’t you be able to get a new heart of the appropriate blood type when you want it, where you want it, just as easily as you would tag a photo on Facebook?
Just open up our app and tell us your age, blood type, and what kind of organ you want. Then we’ll show you nearby transplanters who have the organs you need. Because of the old-economy hegemony of Big Organ Transplantation, we can’t call our transplanters “doctors,” but that’s fine because “doctor” is an archaic term that doesn’t even begin to gel with the decentralized, crowdsourced disruption that is our new economy. Millennials don’t need “doctors.” Millennials need organ transplants that fit easily into their always-connected lifestyles.
Worried our transplanters aren’t totally qualified? Just check their star ratings. When transplanters give great service, maybe by removing a tumor they find during the transplant, or by offering an iPhone charging station in the operating facility, our users will give them great ratings. Similarly, if a transplanter gives not-so-great service, by arriving late or abandoning the user in a bathtub full of ice with two large incisions marking where their kidneys once were, our users will give them just one or two stars. When you’ve got our star rating system, you don’t need some wall full of diplomas to know your transplanter will take good care of you. That’s the beauty of the crowd.
All the payments are handled by our app. Instead of charging arbitrary prices for organ transplants, we use a real-time bidding system where the price of organs and transplants varies based on demand. If there’s currently a high demand for skin grafts, the price goes up, but if there’s not, you’ll get a great deal. Some people in Big Organ Transplantation sneer at this as a “black market.” It’s pretty clear to anyone living in our economy of disruption that it’s just simple capitalism.
The features of our app don’t stop after the user wakes up with a new liver inside their abdominal cavity. Thanks to deep integration with Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest, our users can frictionlessly share their new organs with the world. Users can even volunteer their own organs, their friends’, or even their families’ organs for transplantation (we share all organ revenue 60/40 with the donating user).
It’s clear that we are the future, and now is your chance to get in on the ground floor before our organ transplants go viral.