Your Renegade Ways Have No Place In Geek Squad Launch Project

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Originally published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I am sick and tired of your goddamn antics out in the field. You have made a mockery of my name and this department’s name. You’re a reckless, renegade sonofabitch and it’s time somebody brought you down a peg or three. This isn’t some western where you can go around playing cowboys and Indians with your guns blazing. This is Geek Squad.

What, you expected some kind of hero’s welcome because you fixed a older couple’s router during a routine HDTV setup? Not from me, hotshot. You’re a goddamn TV install technician. That is fucking it. You hit anything else, you call for backup. I don’t give two shits what kind of home networking crap you pulled in the academy. There is an order here for a reason.

Shut the fuck up and let me finish. You caught a lucky break. You ever stop to think what could have happened back there if the problem wasn’t just that the router had to be unplugged and then plugged back in? You ever stop to consider that maybe the power strip was fucked? That maybe you make one wrong move on that router and you’re a pile of fucking ash and bones on the floor of some septuagenarians’ house in the suburbs? Then where are we? You’re dead, and me, instead of fucking my wife on the porch of our boathouse, I’m standing over your sorry barbequed ass in the morgue wondering how the fuck I am going to explain this to Best Buy corporate.

You think you’re God’s gift to home theater setup, computer repair, and in-car GPS installation? I’ve got news for you: you’re nothing. Look around. This department is filled with the best goddamn geeks I have ever had the privilege to know. They were reformatting hard drives while you were still finger-painting with your dick at recess. And you know what? Even though they are the best at what they do, they are here to do a job and protect their brothers in arms. I would give my life for any one of these geeks because I know they would do the same for me.

Now get your act together and get back out there. You’re doing digital converter box setups for the next two months and I don’t want to hear a cocksucking peep about it. I’d suspend you and take away your Volkswagen keys if I didn’t see so much of myself in your smug fucking face.